The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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