I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
