I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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