This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
