i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
