im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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