im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
