Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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