in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
