haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
