i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
