So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
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He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
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It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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