I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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