u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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