I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
