The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
time to smoke my breakfast
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
