Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
