my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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