My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
