dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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