On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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