If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
