Your face is a jimmy john
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
