I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
