Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
