Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
