I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
