Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
