Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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