something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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