I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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