im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
he just fucked me for my cheese.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
