So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
