im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
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I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
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Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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