dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Randomize
