No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
