listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
