Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
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Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
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Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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