Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
