I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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