i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
