I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
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you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
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He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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