I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
