i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Pants are for mortals
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
