I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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