If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
