clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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