I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
