yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
