I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
he was CRYING into my vagina
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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