My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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