so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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