I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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