True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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