Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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