Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Randomize
