I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
