I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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