You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
