I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
