Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
